Dad lets 3-month-old baby scream in his baby swing for 15 minutes without tending to him, gets angry at mom when she leaves shower to feed him: 'He said I was ruining his plan for the night, and that I was taking over'

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Emmy Pratt • Writer and Editor
Nov 8, 2024 6:00 PM EST

Sometimes, babies cry for literally no reason. There are so many babies who cry uncontrollably for no discernable reason that the medical establishment coined the term "colic." There's a big difference between a baby who is genuinely colic and one who hasn't had their needs tended to. The baby in this story is the latter. 

If a baby is crying, you can't always tend to their needs immediately, like if you're driving and they're in the backseat. But if they're sitting in their playpen, crib, or highchair and you don't offer them food, a pacifier, or physical comfort, you're not doing the bare minimum to solve their crying. A mom recently took to Reddit to share the argument she had with her husband. While she was in the shower, she heard her baby uncontrollably sobbing for 15 minutes, and when she got out to see what was wrong, things unraveled from there. 

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  • 01
    Cheezburger Image 10425934336
    via Toa Heftiba (Unsplash+)

    This image is for illustration only, and the subjects are models; the image does not depict the actual subjects of the story.

  • 02
    AITA for coming out to check on the baby who was screaming for 15 mins after I asked my husband to watch him?
    via u/Bina_Assault
  • 03
    Okay, this happened only an hour or so ago. My husband, 42m, is really angry right now. I had asked him if he could watch the baby (3months male) so I could take a shower. He said yes and took the baby right away. I took my time getting my soaps, towel, wash cloth, and other shower things organized in the bathroom. During the entire 15 mins of me being in the bathroom, the baby was crying so hard that he was losing his breath. I was wondering why he was crying for so long, so I came out of the b
    via u/Bina_Assault
  • 04
    a bit, and my husband became irritated that i was fussing over the baby instead of getting in the shower. I went to the sink to grab a clean bottle, intending to make a bottle and sit down to feed him so he stops crying. My husband reacted instantly. He swore at me, and grabbed the bottle himself and started making it. He said I was ruining his plan for the night, and that I was taking over. He made the bottle and took the baby to the living room and fed him, telling me to go take my shower alre
    via u/Bina_Assault
  • 05
    best option would be to go sit in my room and try to calm down before I talk to him. He comes in and asks why I closed the door. I say that I don't really want to talk to him right now. And that he is not to swear at me like that again. He immediately becomes angry, and says that I didn't need to be messing with the baby when he has him. It got a little heated, with our voices raised, but nothing was said that was regrettable. In the end, I went back to the bedroom and he finished cooking. Later
    via u/Bina_Assault
  • 06
    with me tonight. I got the baby to sleep and put him to bed, then swiped his pillow off the couch on my way back to our bedroom. I then crafted a text message basically telling him that he needs to come in and communicate with me about this, because I don't think that i deserved to be swore at for fussing over a screaming baby. So, AITA for "taking over" when he didn't feed the baby?
    via u/Bina_Assault
  • 07
    CivMom He didn't have the baby, though, did he? Job one is meeting the need of the baby so you can trust that he's meeting the needs of the baby. Job 2 is having an adult convo when things go off the rails. NTA.
    via u/CivMom
  • 08
    [deleted] I wish there was a mandatory parenting class that included emotional intelligence and maturity for new parents. The way OP's husband reacted to her help was extremely childish. He knew he was wrong, but instead of discussing it, he has a mantrum.
    via u/[deleted]
  • 09
    littlebitfunny21 Yep this is it. Sometimes babies are inconsolable and you'll come out to a frazzled caregiver holding them, bouncing them, talking to them, bottle and pacifier and toys strewn about as evidence of the attempts made to fix the problem. That is not what happened. There is no excuse to leave a baby to cry like that.
    via u/littlebitfunny21
  • 10
    LittleTeapot7263 Right?! OP probably waited all day for her husband to come home so she could shower without worrying about the baby, only for him to leave the baby to scream inconsolably anyway. She'd have been just as well sticking the baby in the swing without her husband there, it would have achieved the same result.
    via u/LittleTeapot7263
  • 11
    laps-in-judgement NTA 3 months is too young to "cry it out". There are longterm mental health consequences (anxiety, etc) to not meeting a baby's needs. Dad should step up & learn how to NOT neglect a baby
    via u/laps-in-judgement
  • 12
    k_princess And "cry it out" should never last longer than a couple of minutes anyways, in my opinion. Learning that help is not always there immediately has its merits, but it only works if the help actually comes within a short amount of time.
    via u/k_princess
  • 13
    I know this is probably not textbook cry it out programming, but it is how I dealt with my younger family members and those who I babysat. I usually gave a verbal signal after a few seconds to see if they could self-soothe, something to the effect of "You're ok, I'm coming to check on you right now." And then I went to the child. This father did not do any of this.
    via u/k_princess
  • 14
    GraceOfTheNorth It was just an excuse to prioritize his own hunger over the baby's hunger. He's selfish. Let's call it what it is.
    via u/GraceOfTheNorth
  • 15
    Clean_Factor9673 NTA. When baby is screaming like that, yes, you do need to check on him. The first rule of babies is figure out why they're screaming and hold, change, feed as appropriate.
    via u/Clean_Factor9673
  • 16
    HighlyImprobable42 OP has two babies, a 3mo and a 42yo. How can you trust or respect this person going forward if this is his reaction to a relatively simple issue?
    via u/HighlyImprobable42
  • 17
    Mandiezie1 NTA it's absolutely unacceptable to allow the baby to cry and scream until they lose their breath, especially a 3 what way or things he month old. I don't give a tried, none of them worked. So yelling/screaming/swearing at you for helping out when he CLEARLY needed help is out of the question. At best, you choosing when you want to address him could be seen as passive aggressive, but I also think if you're unsure of how you'd respond to him that the only thing to do was to communicate
    via u/Mandiezie1
  • 18
    mortstheonlyboyineed It doesn't seem like he tried anything, though. He chose to feed himself before his baby. He needs to understand that now he's a parent his needs come 2nd to the baby. Always.
    via u/mortstheonlyboyineed
  • 19
    lizards4776 I don't know your situation, but whenever my babies cried it tore me up. I don't mean in arms, being soothed, but I'm in the car and can't pull over, baby is screaming and I am so upset because everything in my body is saying "help the baby". I would have run out too.
    via u/lizards4776
  • 20
    amymeaniemineymo⚫ 9h ago I'm going to disagree with most of the comments here. I don't think either of you have communicated very well. I also don't want to call either of you for that, because parenting is really hard and complicated. You walked in at 15 minutes, you heard the baby crying for that length of time but you don't know for certain he wasn't attempting to soothe him before you came in. You didn't ask, either. You asked him to watch the baby and demonstrated that you did not trust him
    via u/amymeaniemineymo
  • 21
    Parenting doesn't come naturally to everyone and he may not have realised the baby was hungry or how important it is to soothe them in those moments and like I said, there's a chance he was trying and failing so took a break (this is strongly recommended in terms of parents mental health when dealing with a baby who won't settle, btw). He referenced having a plan and you ask why he didn't feed the baby 15 minutes ago... yet you didn't ask him this yourself. Perhaps there was method in his madnes
    via u/amymeaniemineymo
  • 22
    Then he tries to talk to you and you're not ready. Instead of saying "look, I'm a bit hurt and want to talk to you about what happened and I need a minute" you told him you don't want to talk to him. You argued. Then he decided he didn't feel like talking and you demand the conversation starts again by taking the pillow back, without talking to him about that.
    via u/amymeaniemineymo
  • 23
    Nothing in this screams out neglect or ab e to me, or the need for parenting classes. There's not enough info. But you guys need to learn how to talk to each other. Parenting is a collaboration and you need to listen to each others points of view. It's so hard to do and you'll both likely be sleep deprived and irritable a lot of the time.
    via u/amymeaniemineymo
  • 24
    I had PPD when my daughter was born and I didn't trust my husband to look after her, to the point of paranoia. It was horrendous. Every little mistake he made I felt was on purpose and every little mistake I made I thought made me a terrible mother. In reality, my husband had zero experience with babies before and did need some help. I am so glad I kept my paranoid thoughts to myself and my psychologist because he is an amazing stay at home dad now, who I trust wholeheartedly.
    via u/amymeaniemineymo
  • 25
    NTA and also he is NTA. You just need to be more direct and so does he. Also if you're going to yell at each other, make sure the baby isn't in earshot.
    via u/amymeaniemineymo

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